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Thread: Jokes (add yours)

  1. #51
    Moderator Q' lypse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajbabe View Post
    A Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
    He decided to test it at dinner:

    Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
    Son: At school (robot slaps son)
    ...
    Son: Okay I went to the movies!

    Dad: Which one?
    Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

    Son: Okay I was watching ----.
    Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what ---- was! (robot slaps dad)

    Mom: hahahahaha ! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom)

    cheeeeiiii asem ni
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajbabe View Post
    HEHEHEHE MUM, MAY3 DEN
    used to think u were Nigerian
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuTiEbABy View Post
    Na wo de3 de3n......none of us abides by this ...na fri ho
    now this is turning into a nice wonderful 3tw3 thread. ok, i will just go with the flow, afterall, the guys here like the soft juicy meat and the women like the bula, except perhaps Chaps who swings both ways, agyeeeii
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  4. #54

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    Quote Originally Posted by Q' lypse View Post
    now this is turning into a nice wonderful 3tw3 thread. ok, i will just go with the flow, afterall, the guys here like the soft juicy meat and the women like the bula, except perhaps Chaps who swings both ways, agyeeeii
    no broo its not so dont turn it into one...hahahahha......Chapsssss where are you........as for this one......I will need popcorn
    Stop Judging me by YOUR standards and way of life....MINE is different




  5. #55

    Default A Nigerian Pastor's Prayer

    May the Almighty bless you all!

    Eternal God, we put our faces on the ground before you today as we beg you to forgive our sins, even though, we black people, havenít sinned. Iím saying this because we are not the ones who killed your only son Jesus Christ, white people did!

    As you know even better than we do, he was betrayed by a white man, they handed him over to another white man who ordered him to be whipped!

    Moreover, these same white people ordered him to be crucified! The traitor was called Judas Iscariot.
    You can check this out, we donít have names like Iscariot here in Nigeria, we are called: Ikenna, Emem, Yakubu, Achebe, Odige, Ada, Sade, Sola, Halima, Idara, Chidi, Hassana, Nana, Taiwo, Nnamdi, Shehu, Osaro, Funke, Chidera, Danjuma, Doyinsola, Aloaye, etc...

    We have no clue where is the Golgotha (thatís the place where they crucified your beloved son), we just know how to go from Lagos to
    Kaduna to Abuja to Ibadan to Enugu to Maidugiri and come back.
    Weíve never been to any of the holy cities in the Bible; therefore we canít possibly be implicated in the crucifixion of our Lord.
    If you donít believe us, please watch the movie ďThe Passion of the ChristĒ, and you will see for yourself that no black person, let alone an African or a Nigerian took part to that sad event

    This is why we beg you, O Lord Almighty, please make black people rich at long last and let white people work for them for a change!

    Amen.

  6. #56
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Red face Pastor Paa

    A Pastor was keeping poultry on the Church premises. One evening a cockk went
    missing. In Church the next day the Pastor asked "who has a cockk?" All the men got up.."No , I mean who has seen a -cockk?" All the women got up, "No!! No!! I meant who has seen a cockk that isn't theirs?" Half of the women got up, "Oh for goodness sake!! Who has seen my cockk??" All the Choir girls got up!!! #Jokes!!



    A LADY WAS TOLD TO COMPLETE THESE PROVERBS DURING A BEAUTY CONTEST IN NAIJA...

    A rolling stone..... na somebody push am.
    A stitch in time..... dey prevent furda tear tear
    Birds of the same feathers .... na de same mama born dem
    One good turn..... na pawa steering be dat
    The patient dog.......na hunger go kill am
    A bird in hand.....na x'mas chicken be dat


    Death came to a guy and said: "my friend today is your day",

    and the guy said: "but I am not ready" and death said: "well you're next
    on my list.
    So the guy told death: "ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you
    something to eat before we go", and death said "alright then".
    The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished
    eating and fell asleep and the guy removed his name from top of the list
    to the bottom of the list so when death woke up he said to the guy: "I
    will start from the bottom of the list cause you have been so nice to
    me" J
    You can never cheat death.....
    Last edited by Pope Bitterz D'Alomo; 15th September 2011 at 11:25 PM.
    AJ

  7. #57
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Default have a laugh!!!!!!!!lol

    A mother and a father were arguing on who is the most coward between them.
    After a long argument they decided to ask their two kids who they think was
    the most coward between them.

    The first one says," Mom is the most coward one, whenever lightning strikes
    she slides underneath our bed."

    The second kid goes," That's noting, dad is so scared to sleep alone, when
    mummy works night-shift dad sleeps with the woman next door.
    Sometimes he invites the helper to sleep with him.

    The mother fainted!!!





    after "our day",boy got home n said to dad:

    Son:daddy our teacher was looking 4ward to seeing you
    Dad:yeah was busy at work but was trying to reach her.
    Son:but dad there is GOOD NEWS......am not buying books next term
    Dad:really?nice,but how come??
    Son:coz i have been repeated!!................lol












    Prof- have a fruit in my bag,its yellowish ,hard and long
    pupil- its a banana
    prof- lol,its a squash..good try,,but i like your thnkn.
    Pupil - prof i got one for u..(he puts the hand in de pocket) yeeeeh i got it... prof.. theyre round.hard and got a head.
    Prof-stupid boy! thats disgusting!
    Pupil- (shoutn back)..its just two coins.but prof,i like ur thinkn.



    Clever Kids

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

    ---

    TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

    ---

    TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

    ---

    TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
    SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

    ---

    TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE: Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: George!

    ---

    TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WILLIE: Me!

    ---

    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
    AJ

  8. #58
    Akosua
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    ajbabe/..LMAO!

    Where do u get these from? lol

  9. #59
    kaggor
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    lmao! Das kul

  10. #60
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Default I just dey love jokes

    3 babies in a womb discussing what they would be when they were born and grown up.

    1st said: i wanna be a plumber so i can fix the pipes in here coz its a bit leaky.

    2nd said: i wanna be an electrician so i can get sum light in here, its a bit dark.

    3rd said im gonna be a boxer. The others thought this hilarious and asked, why ?

    He replied: so i can beat the crap out of the bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!!



    A man & his neighbor's sister were having sexx under a tree but they did not know a waffi man was up in d tree. When they were finished the lady asked,"Suppose I get pregnant who would take care of d baby?" The man said, "Don't worry just leave it to the one up above". The waffi man jumped down and said, "Leave wetin for who, you dey craze, Na me fuckk you?"



    Joke 4U:
    Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and saw his dad sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full -------- with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What are you doing dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "So are you planning to do to it what you do to mummy and the house girl?"





    NO PARKING HERE
    There was once a little girl and a little boy in kindergarten.
    One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
    "I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question."I don't know," said the little boy.The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
    "That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."The little boy goes home and asks his father."What is this, daddy?" "That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can." The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood. "What happened?!" asked the mother."Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."\
    AJ

  11. #61
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    Default Jokes (add yours)

    I thought we should have one thread running for jokes because there are too many jokes scattered on this forum..
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  12. #62
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    Woman in a jewellers store, farts while bending over 2luk at a beautiful diamond ring. She luks around very embarrassed n sees the salesman standing behind her. Totally professional, he says, Good day madam. How may I help you? She hoped that he hadn't heard her accident, and she asks what is the price of this lovely ring? Salesman answers, Madam, if you farted by just lukin at it, if I tel u the price u go sh*t o!!!
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  13. #63
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Q' lypse View Post
    used to think u were Nigerian

    daabi mey3 ghanani pure lol
    AJ

  14. #64
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    Default Peacock

    A father took his daughter to the mall one day to buy her some new shoes. They decided to grab a bite at the food court. The daughter noticed her Dad was watchin a teenager sittin next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. Dad kept starin at him. The teenager would look and find him starin every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "whats the matter oldman, never done anythin wild in your life?" Knowin her Dad,the daughter quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on his response knowin he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.I was just wonderin if you were my son"..............




    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
    The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"...........hehehe
    Loading Haters.... ████████████████]99%Ē
    U knw wat time it is.....dont like me? dnt give a F.U.C.K imma still be me

  15. #65

    Default

    Lmaoooooooooooooooooooo
    Stop Judging me by YOUR standards and way of life....MINE is different




  16. #66
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    ęę..Ghana Airways..Ľ+
    "Hello, goof afternoon passengers, this is your captain speaking. On behalf of the crew, I'd like to welcome u aboard Ghana Airways flight 911. We're currently flying @3500feet midway across the Atlantic.

    "if u look out of the windows on the starboard side, u will see that the engines are on fire.
    " if u look out of the window on the port side, u will observe that the port wings have fallen off...
    "if u look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you'll see a little yellow raft with three people in it waving @ u.
    " that's me your captain, the co-pilot and one of the air hostess.
    This is a recorded message.
    "Have a good Flight.......




    Just 3days after the death of her husband,a widow visiting her boyfriend said :No sex please.I am still mourning my husband's death.Boyfriend :That's why am using a black condom.So open up the gates of Jericho and accept my "deeeeepest condolences" wate..hy3den wai....hahaha



    "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

    So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

    "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

    Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shitt! THAT'S the word
    AJ

  17. #67
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    :d :d :d :d

  18. #68
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    The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male peniis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
    Effective August 1st, 2011, your peniis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

    10 - 12" GHC30.00 Luxury Tax
    8 - 10" GHC25.00 Pole Tax
    5 - 8" GHC15.00 Privilege Tax
    4 - 5" GHC10.00 Nuisance Tax
    Males exceeding 1 - 2" must file under capital gains.

    Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
    PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
    IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

    - Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
    - What if one's peniis is self employed?
    - Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
    - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
    - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
    AJ

  19. #69
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Default judge Ajbabe, court close. lol

    One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
    Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

    The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

    His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
    After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

    The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

    The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

    In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
    The defendant wrote a check immediately!
    AJ

  20. #70
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    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
    about to be cremated,
    and made a startling discovery.
    Schwartz had the largest private part
    he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
    commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
    with such an impressive private part.
    It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it,
    stuffed it into his briefcase,
    and took it home.

    'I have something to show
    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
    opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
    'Schwartz is dead!' ........................................lol





    A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

    The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

    However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

    That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

    "That's Strange!"
    AJ

  21. #71
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    Default Pope

    Visiting Hell
    The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
    "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
    Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
    Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later......
    "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."




    This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

    The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

    The guy, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest township. Wet and in shock, he went to a drinking spot and asked for two shots of "apio" (akpeteshie)

    He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and....wasn't drunk.

    About half an hour later two guys walked into the same drinking spot, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Koo, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."




    At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

    "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

    "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

    "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

    "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

    "Southern Methodist."

    "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
    AJ

  22. #72
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    A gal luks at a man's tatoos:
    NIKE on his arms, REEBOK on his legs.
    She screams wen she sees AIDS on his dicKk."Relax,"he says,"when i erect,it will read ADIDAS
    AJ

  23. #73
    Moderator ajbabe's Avatar
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    Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was Ayodele, a Nigerian guy.
    Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. 2000 candidates left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try.
    Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 left the room. Ayodele says to himself "I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me? So he stays.
    Then Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not have management diploma to leave. 500 people left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I to lose? So he stays in the room.
    Lastly, Bill asked the candidates who do not speak Serb-Croatian to leave. 498 candidates left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do not speak Serb-Croatian but what do I have to lose? So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
    Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serb-Croatian, so I'd like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.
    Calmly, Ayodele turns to the other candidate and says "Wahala dey o!". The other candidate answers "O ga na wa o!"
    Bill Gates " You are both hired".
    Don't you just love Nigerians. Any day, anytime, anywhere, they never give up.
    AJ

  24. #74
    Moderator Q' lypse's Avatar
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    An illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They setup their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later father wakes his son and asks Look up to the sky and tell me what u see?'
    Son: I can see millions of stars.

    Father: And what does that tell u?

    Son: Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

    Father slaps him and says: Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!
    MORAL:
    Education ruins your common sense!
    When one loses the deep intimate relationship with nature, then temples, mosques and churches become important.
    .........Jiddu Krishnamurti

  25. #75
    Super Moderator Pope Bitterz D'Alomo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by q' lypse View Post
    an illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They setup their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later father wakes his son and asks look up to the sky and tell me what u see?'
    son: I can see millions of stars.

    Father: And what does that tell u?

    Son: Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

    Father slaps him and says: Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!
    Moral:
    Education ruins your common sense!
    lawwwwwd
    Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. ~Aesop

    Ignorance can be educated,drunkenness sobered,craziness medicated but there is no cure for STUPIDITY


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