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Thread: What Your Clothing Label Says About You....

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    Super Moderator Pope Bitterz D'Alomo's Avatar
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    Default What Your Clothing Label Says About You....

    Making sweeping generalizations about a man by the brand he wears is an admittedly inaccurate science. But itís also unavoidable (not to mention fun). Stereotypes are often wrong, but itís dangerous not to acknowledge their existence. To expose them, we indulged our most shallow knee-jerk reactions to 10 big-name brands. Because, like it or not (and we know a lot of you wonít -- in fact, weíve already placed bets on how your comments will read), your label is talking about you to the rest of us. Hereís what it's saying.

    J.Crew
    Youíre a fashion editor without the juice to afford Billy Reid. (You might be working on a story like this one right now.) Youíre a regular at the local coffee shop, where youíll languish for hours with the MacBook after hunting for fresh kale at the farmer's market. Your tennis game isnít half bad. Youíre a white guy, but you care about minorities, if caring about them means talking about caring about them. Generally harmless, soft with privilege and unremarkable in most every way.

    Abercrombie & Fitch
    You are an a**hole. Just joshing, bro! But, seriously, youíre kind of a tool. Also, youíre in a fraternity. You think wearing your ball cap brim-forward constitutes formal wear. You have two varsity letters: one in water polo and one in half-naked-dude mud wrestling. Thereís a funny story you like to tell involving Jagermeister and a security guard. Books donít interest you much, but Tucker Max is the man. (Seriously, heís, like, the best writer since Chuck Palahniuk.) Youíre not big on shirts. Youíre planning big things with your major in interdisciplinary studies. By the way, you looked great in those USC rooftop sex photos.

    Lanvin
    You're the youngest child, and not as good at sports as your siblings. You didnít get much attention at home. So now you dress rather like a dandy angling for an internship with the Joker. And the only thing more obnoxious than the price of your wardrobe is the reach of your vanity. Your occupation: high-society gala attendee. One day the inheritance may run out, but that day is not today. People often tell you youíd make a beautiful woman. You drink champagne on all occasions. You have never gone fishing. You are the reason the rest of us donít understand the French.

    Nike
    You may be a famous athlete, a weekend warrior or a middle manager with a serious golf obsession. Sure, you could pay less for better functionality, but then you couldnít brand yourself with little swooshes. You vote Republican, but you tell people youíre independent. Thereís one rule in your house: No talking during the NCAA basketball tournament. You take your gum chewing very seriously. In your refrigerator, youíve got a sixer of Michelob ULTRA. Once, you got thrown out of your kidís soccer game for heckling the referee. Look, a bad call is a bad call, whether the players are pros or preschoolers. And thatís precisely the kind of thing your ex-wife just didnít understand.

    Kenneth Cole
    You live in the city -- or, rather, you wish you did, which is why you shop at Kenneth Cole. Youíve got a subscription to Details magazine and own at least one of the following: a punch card to Jamba Juice, a face moisturizer, a shirt with epaulettes. You didnít plan to end up in advertising, but the art career wasnít working out, and Pilates classes donít pay for themselves. You know more about style than your friends, but less than you think you do. "Metrosexual": The term is overused, but youíre reason it exists. Nobody knows that those glasses arenít really prescription.

    Ed Hardy
    Well, somebody has to be the biggest douche in the room. Congrats. Adorning yourself in gaudy, hideous crap is no big thing if you donít pay rent. Works out OK for you, since you live at home. The rest of your payday (from your gig repping Monster energy drinks) goes to the gym membership, bronzer, chest waxes, and cover charges at the club. Youíve almost been cast on three different reality shows. With this schedule, itís hard to get more than 10 hours of sleep at a time. You know the haters are just jealous. And if you had the slightest flickering of self-awareness, you would probably be immolated with shame.


    Thom Browne
    You are a giant. Oh, wait. You only look like a giant, 'cause you have a tiny personís suit on. Only a man who has attended one too many fashion shows would think it's acceptable to wear dress pants that hem at the calf (not to mention the no-socks thing). You are a dealer -- of fine art, or maybe antiquities -- and the world is your office. London, Milan, Paris, Tokyo: Youíve got clients everywhere. You speak a little bit of a lot of languages, and know your Beaujolais from your Burgundy. A certain air of superiority wafts off of you like cologne.

    Timberland
    If you had a pair of Timberland work boots for every day of actual labor youíve done in your life, youíd have zero pairs of Timberland work boots. But tough is a mindset. So, apparently, is ďgansta.Ē Yeah, youíre keeping it real. East Coast, dawg. And on the subway, in your puffy jacket, knees spread wide, you can claim a bench normally shared by three. Years from now, deaf as a board, youíll regret all those hours spent blasting your ear-buds at concert levels. You own people on Madden, on X-Box Live (especially after you smoke a little). Your default emotional state: unimpressed.

    Opening Ceremony
    Opening Ceremony may be just a store, but it's become synonymous with the word "lifestyle," so we think it deserves mention on this list. If you're rushing in to check out its newest designer collaboration, you probably like chiptune music, and you own a lot of scarves. The art-house movie theater is doing a Kurosawa retrospective next month, and youíve already got tickets. You are a vegetarian. In high school, you got your ass kicked with a fair amount of regularity. You work at an independent bookstore where, often, people have to ask you to ďspeak up,Ē because your detached world weariness comes across as chronic fatigue. You will soon -- if you havenít already -- sport some ironic facial hair, like a lumberjackís beard or handlebar mustache. Affecting this much cool gets harder and harder with age.

    Leviís
    You are not one to be tossed around by the fickle winds of fashion, which is why youíve been wearing the same brand of jeans since 1989. You are practical. You appreciate things that last. You know the value of a dollar. In other words, youíre cheap. Probably from the Midwest. You might own a truck. Also, a Samís Club membership card. And a Johnny Cash album. Joke is on everyone else, though, because Leviís are cool again (not that you were paying attention). From fashion failure to trendsetter in one season. Your commitment to habit proves one thing: Eventually, everything old will be new again.
    Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. ~Aesop

    Ignorance can be educated,drunkenness sobered,craziness medicated but there is no cure for STUPIDITY


  2. #2

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    An i just bought a pair of A&F pants...

    Abercrombie & Fitch
    You are an a**hole. Just joshing, bro! But, seriously, you’re kind of a tool. Also, you’re in a fraternity. You think wearing your ball cap brim-forward constitutes formal wear. You have two varsity letters: one in water polo and one in half-naked-dude mud wrestling. There’s a funny story you like to tell involving Jagermeister and a security guard. Books don’t interest you much, but Tucker Max is the man. (Seriously, he’s, like, the best writer since Chuck Palahniuk.) You’re not big on shirts. You’re planning big things with your major in interdisciplinary studies. By the way, you looked great in those USC rooftop sex photos.

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