View Full Version : Top 10 Royals Who Would Have Been Terrible on Facebook -funny

Pope Bitterz D'Alomo
5th October 2012, 08:54 PM
Queen Elizabeth II has officially joined Facebook, and Her Majesty's page has already gotten more than 100,000 "likes." But past monarchs would not have done so well with social networking (had the Internet, computers or even electricity existed centuries ago). TIME takes a look at royals whose Facebook pages would have been disastrous

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/caligula.jpgThere has been a surfeit of plays and books about the Roman Emperor Caligula, all arriving at the same conclusion: he was pretty terrible. Caligula ruled for just four years, yet his reputation for cruelty, sexual deviance and financial irresponsibility still persists today. He built a bridge across the Bay of Naples out of boats. He executed countless people, including his uncle Tiberius' grandson. He funded his lavish lifestyle by extorting prominent Roman citizens. And while Caligula never officially made his favorite horse Incitatus a Roman senator, Roman historian Suetonius wrote that he provided the pampered equine with "a stall of marble, a manger of ivory, purple blankets and a collar of precious stones."

Favorite Quotations
• "Let them hate me, so they but fear me."
• "I wish the Roman people had but a single neck."
• "[My grandmother looks like] a Ulysses in petticoats."
(Source: Suetonius' Lives of the Caesars.)

Likes and Interests
Horses, incest, money, fame, power.

Recent Status Updates
• "Caligula is feelin' murdery."
• "Another day, another torture."
• "Incitatus, what do you think?"

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/king_george_iii.jpgEngland's King George III would never have been allowed to interact with the public through something as unfiltered as Facebook. Despite presiding over the British Empire during both the Seven Years' War against France and the Revolutionary War in the U.S., George III is best known for his crippling mental illness. In the latter years of his reign, the raving monarch was often bound in a straitjacket and chained to a chair. At the time, the source of his madness was unknown, although modern medicine has provided possible insight. Doctors revisited his medical records in the 1970s and concluded he might have suffered from a rare blood disorder called porphyria. In 2004, scientists discovered high levels of arsenic in his hair sample; arsenic has been known to trigger porphyria.

Favorite Quotations
• "Everyone who does not agree with me is a traitor and a scoundrel."
• "I have known stranger things. I once saw a sheep with five legs."
• "Push off, you fat turd."
(Note: The first quote has been attributed to the real King while the latter two are from the 1995 film The Madness of King George.)

Likes and Interests
Wigs, nightgowns, when America was just a collection of colonies.

Recent Status Updates
• "King George III doesn't feel so good."
• "King George III can run naked through the palace if he wants to!"
• "I love all of my 15 children equally. Even what's-his-name."

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/marie_antoinette.jpgMarie Antoinette might have had a problem with the Internet, what with its democratizing tendencies and ability to give voice to the masses. And with so many people already watching the Austrian-born Queen of France — so many ready to slander her on any pretext — she would probably utilize as many privacy controls as possible. Of course, it's likely that most of Marie Antoinette's people would have unfriended her in the tumultuous years preceding her 1793 decapitation.

Favorite Quotations
• "Let them eat cake."
• "Tribulation first makes one realize what one is."

Likes and Interests
The royal prerogative, shopping, fashion, my kids, decorating palaces, repressing the mob.

Recent Status Updates
• "Marie Antoinette is about to lose her head!"
• "Marie Antoinette is feeling solitary in confinement."
• "Marie Antoinette wishes she'd invited Charlotte Corday to one of her parties."

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/atilla_hun.jpgAttila the Hun was one of the world's most feared conquerors, leading his tribe of Eurasian nomadic warriors into the heart of 5th century Europe, plundering and massacring everywhere he went. A desperate coalition of Roman troops and German barbarian tribes eventually turned back Attila's advance at Chalons, in modern-day France, in 451. Two years later, Attila would die at his own wedding banquet — a consequence of either a lifetime of excessive drinking or secret poisons administered by his latest bride.

Favorite Quotation
• "Attila, the leader of the Huns, who was called the scourge of God, came into Italy, inflamed with fury, after he had laid waste with most savage frenzy Thrace and Illyricum, Macedonia and Moesia, Achaia and Greece, Pannonia and Germany. He was utterly cruel in inflicting torture, greedy in plundering, insolent in abuse."— Some loser Christian priest

Likes and Interests
Pillaging cities, exacting tribute, ravishing captured women, horses.

Recent Status Updates
• "My Italian peeps, where you at? Me and my posse about to roll in. Ladies, look out! Lol xoxo"
• "Tough loss at Chalons yesterday. My soothsayer tells me he read the bones wrong. The only bones that dork will be reading now are his own."
• "Wedding party tonight with my lovely fiancιe. Gonna get crunk! ;P"

Vlad III the Impaler had a lot to be angry about. His father was assassinated. His brother was tortured (really tortured, as in, blinded with hot iron stakes and buried alive). When he became the leader of his native land, an area of the Balkans then known as Wallachia (now much of modern-day Romania) in 1456, his first order of business was revenge. His brutal punishment methods were well known. It is said he often ordered people to be skinned, boiled, decapitated, blinded and roasted. He also liked to cut off people's noses, ears, limbs and sexual organs. But his favorite punishment of all was impalement, hence his sobriquet, the Impaler. This gruesome, typically slow and excruciatingly painful way to die often involved driving a stake from the victim's buttocks to his or her mouth. The stakes are said to have been oiled and smoothed so that death would come slowly. He is said to have killed as many as 100,000 in this fashion, often tens of thousands in a single day. Many believe Bram Stoker based his novel Dracula on Vlad the Impaler.

Favorite Quotations
• "Revenge is sweet."
• "Blood is the life ... and it shall be mine." (Dracula, 1992)
• "I am the monster that breathing men would kill. I am Dracula." (Dracula, 1992)

Likes and Interests
Stakes, revenge, the suffering of others, impalement (duh), decaying flesh, castles.

Recent Status Updates
• "It's lovely day to impale."
• "Oiling some stakes."
• "Considering a nose job."

http://img.timeinc.net/time/daily/2010/1011/queen_victoria.jpgDespite the longevity of Queen Elizabeth II, it's Queen Victoria who still holds the record for the longest-ruling female monarch — upon her death in 1901, she had reigned for nearly 64 years. Though set within a constitutional monarchy in which power was increasingly devolving to elected officials, Victoria oversaw the expansion of the British Empire, particularly in its crown-colonial jewel, India. Britain's rise was so pronounced and profound during her reign that Victoria's name would lend itself to an entire age of industrial and technological progress. But it also became a watchword domestically for things far less exhilarating — Victorian society was one of stultifying prudishness and rigid morals, embodied by Britain's sour-faced empress.

Favorite Quotation
• "I would venture to warn against too great intimacy with artists as it is very seductive and a little dangerous."
• "We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist."
• "The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone in checking this mad, wicked folly of 'Women's Rights.' It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself."
• "The important thing is not what they think of me, but what I think of them."

Likes and Interests
Being related to every other royal in Europe, being empress (forever), shiny gems, sitting.

Recent Status Updates
• "This amuses us ... not."
• "Yes, I'm still here."

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/ivan_terrible.jpgThis guy was bad. (Readers: "How bad was he?") This guy was so bad that he went down in history as Russia's Ivan the Terrible. While his last name was actually Grozny and its translation is closer to something like awesome rather than awful, early accounts say a young Ivan enjoyed torturing animals. Later, he would kill his own son. While his prolonged wars against Sweden and Poland were unsuccessful, his dissatisfaction with the outcome of the Livonian War, which was an attempt to reach the sea near present-day Estonia and Latvia, persuaded Ivan to publicly execute a number of Russians whom he suspected of treason. Ivan the Terrible embarked upon a bloody purge of his own country's pampered nobility, approving a number of gruesome public executions. He personally led a raid on the city of Novgorod, razing it and slaughtering several thousand Russian boyars.

Favorite Quotations
• "Here, kitty kitty."
• "I am terrible. Literally."
• "Fourth time's a charm."

Likes and Interests
Public executions, private executions, people who aren't privileged, warring, Roman numerals, the divine right of kings.

Recent Status Updates
• "Ivan is cleaning his torture chamber."
• "Ivan is just following the will of God."
• "Ivan is feeling paranoid. Who's there?"

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/ibrahim_i.jpgWhen Sultan Ibrahim I ascended to the summit of the Ottoman Empire in 1640, he was not fit to rule. Ibrahim I was depressed over the death of his brother, suffered frequent nervous attacks and was known to be mentally unstable (he apparently fed the fish that lived in the palace pool coins instead of food). Knowing this, his mother, Kosem Sultana dominated his rule, which left Ibrahim with more time to spend with his 280 concubines. Later, in a fit of madness, he ordered the entire harem be drowned in the Bosphorus.

Favorite Quotations
• "I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind." (Gnarls Barkley, "Crazy.")
• "Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely/ I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue." (Patsy Cline, "Crazy.")
• "You drive me crazy, I just can't sleep/ I'm so excited, I'm in too deep/ Oh, crazy, but it feels all right." (Britney Spears, "You Drive Me Crazy.")

Likes and Interests
Prozac, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, my brother, concubines.

Recent Status Updates
• "Just got paid. Going to feed the fishies!"
• "Bad day. I need my mommy. :( :( :("
• "Going swimming with my ladies in the river!!!"

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/ludwig_ii.jpgLudwig II of Bavaria, also known as Louis II and more colorfully as Mad King Ludwig, was the German principality's monarch for more than 20 years in the latter half of the 19th century. The virtual world of Facebook may have appealed to Ludwig II, who ascended to the throne at 18 and became more concerned with building elaborate palaces than ruling. But the social part of a social network may have proved a problem. In 1886, he was deemed insane, and he died soon after. Supposedly he committed suicide — but he may have been murdered.

Favorite Quotations
• "I want to remain an eternal mystery to myself and others."
• "There is a castle on a cloud/ I like to go there in my sleep." (Les Misιrables.)

Likes and Interests
Wagner, building castles, swans, dreaming, being a recluse, SimPalace.

Status Updates
• "Ludwig says everyone else can take the 'real' world and shove it."
• "Ludwig cannot believe the contractors are taking sooo long with this castle."
• "Ludwig has decided Bavaria should be a part of the German Empire."
• "Ludwig finds Bismarck's practicality incredibly dull."

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/top10_bad_fb/joanna_castile.jpgAfter the death of her mother in 1504, Joanna became Queen of Castile (and later Aragon in 1516) in a reign that lasted half a century. But two years before she ascended the throne, she was consumed by her feelings of jealousy regarding her dashing husband, Philip of Burgundy, which triggered a mental imbalance. It got so bad after her husband's death in 1506 that she refused to let Philip's dead embalmed body rest in peace. Her father returned to take over the regency and Joanna lived in solitary confinement in a windowless room in a convent, which couldn't have helped her mental condition. Today, historians believe Joanna might have had a range of mental problems, including clinical depression and schizophrenia, but she legally remained Queen of Castile and Aragon until her death in 1555.

Favorite Quotations
• "Over my husband's dead body."
• "I don't get even, I get mad."
• "Why act so cold to me, Philip?"

Likes and Interests
Windows, sanity, sunlight, windows, sanity, sunlight, windows.

Recent Status Updates
• "Joanna is mad. No, seriously, I have a mental condition."
• "Joanna is awaiting modern psychiatric treatment."
• "Joanna is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore."