View Full Version : Akata Asafo(The hidden army):1

15th May 2012, 12:10 AM
In the forest area near Etsii town, several figures darted among the trees., clothed in the traditional garb of the asafo,

15th May 2012, 06:19 AM
Without paragraphing your work and making it readable it is a wasted effort. Forumers are not going to read your stuff.

you have to break it down like this:

In the forest area near Etsii town, several figures darted among the trees., clothed in the traditional garb of the asafo, ‘Attention all asafo of the southern section, one of them said, 5 new kakai gates emerged 5 minutes ago, above the next stream just ahead of us’.’Prepare to engage’, she ordered. Armed to the teeth with bows and arrows, akofenas and afowatsenas(long swords with two or three blades on one hilt),spears and machetes, they rushed to a clearing where five red and black steel gates hovered above a stream.

There was a loud creak as long, metallic claws punched through the gate and began to force it open. As they got there, one black and white striped kakai leapt from each gate only to be hit by the array of weapons the asafo had. The asafo also leapt towards the kakai, swords and machetes outstretched. The clang of steel hitting steel echoed throughout the forest!

A few metres away from this scene, a young girl walked on a lone path to her school when she felt the vibrations of the clash!’There it is again, she wondered. These vibrations that gave her goose bumps each fortnight when she and several others took this shortcut to school. It was odd at first but two years ago, she had decided not to think about it. Now she felt them even more frequently than before whenever she moved through certain parts of the forest.

The city authorities kept talking about possible construction works. ’However, she mused, ‘the vibrations are too infrequent and strong to be mere construction works’. She soon arrived at the school, walking past the security post after greeting the security personnel. ‘Morning Baaba, said a boy in knee length shorts and shirts calmly, ’still wondering about the strange vibrations?’ he asked. ‘Yes, Twumasi,’she replied, ’If I had time, I would not mind investigating on my own.’ ‘but there’s no telling what is happening so it might be best to not go on my own, in case of any difficult situations that might occur’ she concluded.

’Maybe a sixth letter to the authorities might shed some…..’She started but was quickly interrupted when a girl interrupted, ’Baaba, what’s wrong? Is he bothering you, she said ,casting an accusing glance at Badu who merely ignored by looking away.’No Abena”, replied Baaba with a thin smile, as Abena began to roll her sleeves up, reveling well defined biceps. ’Tell her’, said twumasi almost indifferently.’ It’s just that….’she began ‘stop threatening Twumasi, Abena’, cut in a girl with a prefect badge embossed on her uniform, “violence is not the answer to any problem, at least not in my classroom’.’Anyway, How do you know if the lanky one is the reason why she is worried or not?” she asked.

’I was not threatened, Yaa’, said Twumasi gently, as he made room for her to stand near Baaba. ’Whatever the problem is, said a girl who walked towards them, subtly nudging Twumasi aside as she rushed to embrace Baaba and the others,’ we will solve it together. ‘Thanks, Naarkie’, Baaba said. ’I appreciate that’. “Left out again”, sighed Twumasi to himself as he went back to his seat. ‘At least, she seems less worried now’, he smiled to himself as he watched Baaba talk to the others.

As Baaba and Twumasi walked home together, Twumasi said, ‘it occurred to me that the authorities might not know what is going on there, maybe we should just…..’His words were cut short by a sudden huge gust of wind, which flung them to the ground! ‘What’s this? wondered Baaba, a little frightened, it can’t be a storm, there’s no change in the sunny weather’. ‘Something’s not ….’Her words got caught in her throat when she noticed the appearance of a red and black gate hovering in front of them! Slowly, metallic claws began to pry the gates open from within, revealing a horrific creature! It stood above them, glaring at them with two sets of eyes, one set pitch black and the other bone white.

It was covered in black and white stripes and had a seemingly chiseled body. Before they could even think of running, it lunged at them. As they scrambled backwards, it slashed at their feet, ripping their shoes to shreds in an instant.’ The soles of their feet began to bleed, blood dripping onto the forest floor, but the pain they felt was nothing compared to their dread as steel blades slowly emerged from the palms of the kakai. It drew them back and was about to strike when 5 arrows flew in its direction.

It leapt back and moved to its right, dodging them completely and lifted its right palm at a nearby bush. 10 steel needles emerged from the palm and were shot at the bush. A figure leapt out from behind it before the needles ripped it to shreds and fired several arrows at it, before rushing to stand in between the two and the kakai which kept dodging the arrows. Baaba’s eyes widened in surprise at their rescuer who she recognized as Naarkie, her classmate!

15th May 2012, 03:35 PM
Thanks for the feedback,neoxiang. I clearly need to work on my paragraphing for future posts and in the meantime willl work on editing current posts.

6th June 2012, 03:51 PM
Acheampong, I believe it is just not the paragraphing alone but please do work on the punctuation as well. Sometimes, its hard to determine, where one sentence ends and when the next one starts. For instance, capitalizing the first letter of the beginning of a new sentence will help. Also a space between one sentence and the next will also help us your readers.

Thanks so much for sharing the stories though.

7th June 2012, 01:04 AM
I will work on the punctuations and on spaces between the sentences in subsequent posts. I appreciate the advice given by you and other readers on the forum.

7th June 2012, 01:37 AM
You are welcome Acheampong. I enjoy reading the stories.